When the grief hits hard.

I don’t really know what happened. I was driving home from picking up Bryson and a wave of grief just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been so...ok...lately. The bad days are so much more spread out but today. Today hurts my heart. The wound is back open again. And it’s OOZING. 

Maybe Tenley’s Birthday and seeing her grow up so fast brought it on. Maybe Christmas coming brought it on. Maybe Peyton’s 2nd Heavenly Birthday coming up brought it on. Whatever the reason. It’s here and it’s hurting me. It’s hurting me really bad. 

I was thinking about Tenley being little and thinking about how I used to dress her. All Matilda Jane and Sweethoney. Those were my favorite. I just loved seeing her all dressed up and in colorful dresses and ruffles. She isn’t into that anymore. She is such a tween. I love it though. But it brought me back to the day I bought this SweetHoney romper off the SweetHoney BST. The first time I saw it was when Tenley was about 3. I wanted it so bad but I could NEVER find it on the resell boards. 

When I was pregnant with Peyton, it FINALLY popped up for sell. 5 years after wanting it so badly, I FINALLY found it and sweet little Peyton was going to get to wear it. I was so excited!! I just imagined her looking like a mini Tenley and walking around in this cute little romper. But I will never see her in it. And as silly and petty as it may sound. It hurts. It makes me sad. All of her precious little clothes are folded in a box and sit in my basement. They are going to collect dust over the years and I am so freaking sad. I cannot control the tears and as weird as it sounds...I think I needed to release this moment of sadness. 

I need to let people know that I still grieve. I still miss her. I still want her here with me. My heart is SO HAPPY that Jaxon is here. I am so incredibly thankful for him. He has helped us all heal, but he hasn’t replaced our little girl. Peyton is still Missed so incredibly much. And it’s all still so painful. 

Every time I walk the halls at church and see a little girl her age, it hurts.

I pray that one day, if it’s in God’s will, he will give us another little girl. It may not be in the cards for me to give birth to another little girl but maybe through adoption or maybe a granddaughter one day. But I need to see Peyton’s things be used. I need to see her clothes be worn. I need to see her blankets be used. I can’t go all of my life with these things stored away in a box. I just can’t do it.