It Felt So Good To Hold You Again!

Since it’s #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth I figured I’d share a little more about the grief that continues to be apart of my life. This is strictly to show you what grief looks like for someone. Let me first say that I am ok. I am in good spirits. But I felt I needed to share this. I know this is going to sound weird, morbid, maybe a little off putting to some, but honestly, I don’t care. This is my story of grief and this is how I handle it. Last night, when I lit Peyton’s candle, it was the first time in a long time since I have held her. It felt so good to hold her urn close to my heart. I know she isn’t in there...she is somewhere far better than trapped in this urn, but her ashes are here. A piece of my baby IS in here and I cherish it so much. Just holding it last night brought me this wave of comfort. I will never forget seeing her urn for the very first time. I was so sick and I couldn’t even begin to plan any sort of Memorial, let alone her arrangements with the funeral home, so my FIL took over for us. I’m not sure who picked this out, honestly, I feel like I remember hearing about it or seeing a catalog with it in there, but I don’t really remember. I think I blocked some of that out. But I love it so much. The first time I saw it, though, I remember just falling completely apart. I never could have imagined how small it was going to be. It’s just so tiny. I don’t really know what I was expecting, honestly, but I wasn’t prepared for how small it truly was. I love having this here at home with us. It just helps me, personally. In my waves of grief, I used to sit there and hold it. I don’t do it as much anymore, but I just felt so much peace holding it last night. Send up some extra prayers for all of the hurting parents and siblings of these precious babies. It’s tough and you never get over the loss of these little lives, no matter at what stage it happened.