Sweet baby Jax, God knew my heart needed you, little buddy. 💙💙
Just 7 weeks little man. In just 7 weeks (or less) I get to feel the weight of your little body in my arms. I get to hear you cry. I get to see you take your first breath.
The day I delivered your big sister, Peyton, my heart broke in a way that can never be mended...well, at least not until the day I am in Heaven...I have longed for her since the day we had to hand her over to the funeral home and say our final see you laters. Giving birth to a baby that would never take a breath here on earth and never cry is absolutely soul crushing. Having a baby is supposed to be happy. It’s supposed to be exciting. But that isn’t always the case....
The day we came home from the hospital, I begged your daddy for you. I knew that I couldn’t make it through the rest of my life without having another baby. See, becoming a mommy was all I ever wanted. It’s been my biggest achievement in life. I couldn’t continue without bringing another baby into this world and having my last experience of pregnancy and childbirth be so tainted. I NEEDED you. I was one that loved being pregnant. I loved labor and delivery. I loved snuggling with my babies....and I still do that to your big brother and sister. All I have wanted since the day we came home from the hospital was to feel the weight of another baby in my arms. I have wanted to feel the sweet little kicks from inside of my belly. I’ve craved that moment where we get to hold another living, breathing baby again for the first time.
I just knew my heart was going to need you. I knew there was no way that you could ever replace Peyton, or fill this major void in my heart....but I knew you sure could help my heart mend a little bit. And that’s exactly what you have done. Jaxon, my heart feels happy...and I didn’t think that could ever be possible again. Getting ready for you to come and be with us has brought so much light back into our lives...even your Big Sister and Big Brother feel it.
I tell people this often, but don’t think that Tenley and Bryson don’t help my heart on a daily basis. They do. They have helped me tremendously . I don’t think I could have gotten through losing Peyton without them. There is just something about creating another little life and replacing those moments and memories of something so heartbreaking with something happy.
I will say though, this pregnancy has been mentally exhausting. I have worried about you since day 1. I still worry about you. I still can’t fathom actually bringing you home. I know that’s weird since I have done it twice before, but for some reason, I just still can’t believe that we are going to get to bring you home with us. I can’t wait. And I know Peyton is happy for us. She is excited about you. I feel it in my heart that she knows about you and that she is truly happy for us. That thought alone helps me not feel guilty for having you. So many worried that I would feel some guilt for getting pregnant again so fast but honestly, I don’t feel that at all. I feel complete peace. You are supposed to be here and you have a purpose, just like Tenley, Bryson, and Peyton have a purpose.
Little Jaxie, I can’t wait to meet you and kiss you and squeeze you and just marvel at the sight of you. 💙💙 I thank God for you every single day and I thank your daddy for being so open and understanding and being so willing to try again for you.