Pregnancy After Loss....Pregnancy Is Forever Different.

The day after Christmas, I had a little episode of contractions (at 22 weeks) and had to go up to the hospital. They ended up giving me two rounds of terbutaline to stop my contractions and told me to make sure I am resting a good bit. That really worked my anxiety and it did nothing to help my fear of losing Jaxon. I’ve had to do a lot of praying and trusting in God to see me through this pregnancy and keep me calm. 

I knew this pregnancy would be hard on me emotionally, but I could have never imagined it would be this hard. My first two pregnancies were text book perfect. I had no issues and had no reason to believe there ever could be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I always knew there were risks and things that could go wrong but you NEVER think that you could be the one that actually ends up having something go so terribly wrong. Peyton’s death (my third pregnancy) was absolutely devastating and it took my innocence of the joy of pregnancy away completely. 

When we were told that we had the all clear to try again, all I could see was the light at the end of this super dark path that we were walking. All I could see was this happy and healthy pregnancy and this beautiful baby that would help mend some of the pieces to our broken hearts. I knew that it would be a long pregnancy full of ups and downs emotionally but boy, I had no clue it was going to be quite this emotional. 

Last night, I started spotting again and that threw me into a full scale panic attack. I had no other symptoms that were going on that would cause panic in me. The Lauren from the 2010 and 2015 pregnancies would have thought rationally and figured that if I wasn’t having contractions, cramping, discomfort, etc that everything was ok and I just needed to sit back and relax. But the Lauren after a Stillbirth automatically panicked and thinks....”I am going to lose another baby. I am going to have my heart broken beyond repair.” And I start to panic. My body started shaking all over, I got sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was absolutely terrifying and in that moment, I was a total and complete mess. 

Poor Brett, I know he was just as worried and scared as I was but he had to be the rock that kept me calm and he had to pull me out of that panicked state. He has gotten really good at that lately and I am 100% positive that he is the only human being on this earth that could actually pull me out of it. He knows just what to say and just what to do...he knows prayer and talking me through it works the best... I am always thankful for God and for prayers but in those moments of absolute fear, panic, and anxiety, where all you can do is pray is extremely comforting. I know in those moments especially that I can’t get through it without totally giving it up to God and letting Him breathe that peace and calming back into me. It’s only after those prayers and deep breaths and laying it all out that I can finally start to breathe again. I can feel the panic start to subside a little and I can really calm down and think more rationally. 

What an incredible God we have. He always hears us and he is such a huge comfort to me through all of this. 

Again, I never could have prepared for just how emotional and anxious this pregnancy could make me. I am so scared over every little twinge, cramp, contraction, spot I see, etc. I’ve always loved every minute of being pregnant but after having a baby born still, my innocence is completely gone. I’ve never wished a pregnancy be over so fast in my life. I love to savor every minute but I find myself begging and pleading with God to make this time fly by so that I can just have Jax here and safe in my arms. 

I am so ready for April and I am so ready to see Jax’s sweet face. I am so ready for my babies here on earth to experience the happiness around childbirth and not the fear and sadness. 

Until then, I will continue to pray for strength. Emotional strength to get through this last pregnancy. And I am so thankful for all of your prayers. I definitely feel them and I appreciate them more than you will ever know.