“So, how many kids do you have?”

Now that I am pregnant, I get this question a lot. I never really know how to answer that question. If I say “this is my third” I am leaving Peyton out...it’s as if she never existed......but when I say “This is my 4th” it never fails....I end up dropping the Peyton bomb on them. 

It’s a weird place to be in. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like explaining the situation...or I don’t feel strong enough in that moment to explain Peyton’s death. And that is ok. She doesn’t get her feelings hurt by me not mentioning her. She would understand. But it never fails, when I just say “this is my third” there is tremendous guilt that hits me like a ton of bricks. I almost get mad at myself for not including her....for not telling her story and explaining how God has used her. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it makes me want to go right back and explain the entire situation. 

But there ARE those times (which are most of the time) when I say “this is my fourth” and people’s eyes get real big and they say “woah!! You’ve got your hands full.” Every now and then I can just kind of laugh it off and move on. But some people start to ask the ages of my children and that’s when I drop the bomb... They never quite know what to say but it’s always my chance to talk about Peyton. I love to talk about her. (Always know that it’s ok to bring her up in conversation...) It’s all so helpful in my healing process. And I love to talk about what she did for me as a person, a mother, a wife. It’s my chance to glorify God and show people how incredible he is. 

Some people stand in disbelief and say “wow, you are so strong. I just can’t imagine.” And my answer is always “God will give you strength in the darkest of days.” I truly hope they walk away wanting to know more about Him or maybe they already do know Him and stand in amazement of their God. 

Either way, it’s my chance to help plant that seed. And that’s how I can keep Peyton’s memory alive. And what an incredible way to remember my precious baby. 

So yes, I have 4 babies and God is good ALL OF THE TIME!!