Pregnancy After Loss

For those following our story, you may not know yet that we are having another baby!!! We are thrilled but at the same time, we are scared to death. But when the fear tries to take over my excitement, I remind myself that God is in control. He has this. He has us. He will get us through.

I wanted to write this post to explain a little bit about how pregnancy after stillbirth feels...(really pregnancy after any loss....Stillbirth, Miscarriage, or Infant loss.) It’s completely different than your typical pregnancy experience. Pregnancy is forever tainted and the feelings of fear creep up on you like a ton of bricks. Your innocence with pregnancy is forever gone. 

I remember my first three pregnancies....I was over the moon excited!! I couldn’t wait for my appointments, I went blindly through them thinking, wow!! I am so blessed because I have no trouble getting pregnant...and I have never struggled with miscarriage or rough pregnancies. Boy did I have a warped view. I could never have imagined that I would go in for an appointment and see my baby...lifeless on ultrasound machine. I could have never imagined how broken and hurt I could feel. I never knew quite how fragile life really was and I never quite grasped what a miracle my babies truly were. 

After losing Peyton, I wanted another baby right away. Yes, that was part of my grief, but I also knew I could never get past her death and really heal unless I birthed another living baby. I can’t explain it but it was an ache I had. My heart aches for her and always will....but, the thought of childbirth ending the way it did....for me, I just knew I needed another baby. 

The minute I found out I was pregnant with this Rainbow Baby, I immediately thought....I can’t lose this baby. This baby has to be perfect. I have to do everything perfect and protect it. I cried with excitement and happiness but I cried with fear of birthing another sleeping baby or having a miscarriage and losing this baby, too. I worry about this baby constantly. Everything I do, makes me scared that it could hurt the baby. I don’t want to do anything that could possibly hurt this baby so I am going a little overboard with things. I dread my doctors appointments...and I will have a lot between my OB and my MFM (high risk specialists). I dread going in and not hearing this baby’s heart beating. I dread the blood work that will tell us if this baby is sick or not. I am in constant fear. I remember my first appointment seeing this baby and seeing it’s little heart beating. I was so relieved but I just couldn’t shake that fear. That fear that I will fall in love and have my heart broken....and not bring this baby home with me. It SUCKS!!!! But, God always shows up. He always comes in and reminds me that HE IS IN CONTROL. He has given us this precious gift and no matter the outcome, I have Him to lean on and find comfort. 

I always feel this calm rush over me and it’s God. He keeps telling me that everything is ok. This baby will be perfect and healthy and will come into this world breathing and screaming and perfect. I keep finding myself wishing that these next few months would fly so that I could be in those moments where I am finally holding my baby. I am so ready. I can’t wait to see it take it’s first breath. I can’t wait to hear it cry. I can’t wait to feel it’s weight against my chest. I am just so ready for this baby to be here. 

I remember too, being so scared that I would feel guilt for getting pregnant again. I was worried that I may feel bad, like I am forgetting and moving on from Peyton....but I don’t feel that way at all. So far, I have felt like she would be happy for us. She wouldn’t want me to feel guilt. She is in the best place there is and wouldn’t come back if she was given the chance to. I find so much comfort in that. And that has helped me in this pregnancy so far. It is a hard place to be though because you are so excited for this new baby, but your heart breaks because you know that this baby is here because your other one can’t be. It’s all just so emotional. But I am so beyond thankful for all of my babies, here on earth and in heaven. They have each taught me so much.