Life Keeps Going

Life has to keep going. That doesn’t mean that my grief gets any better or easier to deal with. But the days do start getting better. I have fewer break downs. I can go a few days feeling happy, then the weight of my sadness comes crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. Everything in my life still has Peyton in it.....well, it’s more like my mind wanders to thinking of life with her...had she been able to stay here on earth with me. 

Mother’s Day and her Due Date have probably been the hardest so far. I remember feeling so sad on Mother's Day. And I know that is so wrong because I have two here with me that love me and need me....but sometimes, that just isn't enough to take the pain away. I still want her. I still have this hole in my heart for her. I had an outfit all picked out for her to wear around visiting everyone on Mother's day. And I wanted her to match her big sister and big brother. And then there was her due date. That was actually not as horrible as I thought it was going to be. It just so happened to fall on one of my good days. And thanks to an amazing friend/neighbor, Brett and I got to have a fun day around Birmingham, her treat. I can't tell you how much getting out and about around town helped me that day. Soaking in the sunshine and just spending time with Brett. 

There are also things like our first beach trip without her. I remember buying all kinds of cute outfits in preparation. If you know me, you know I was already getting her Matilda Jane and SweetHoney outfits stockpiled. But, it’s little things sometimes, that really get me. Like pictures of the kids. When all the cousins get together. When I am laying in bed at night thinking how she would probably be up nursing. She should be here with us. It’s like my heart breaks every time we take a freaking picture. She should be in these pictures. That’s just not fair...but it’s my reality. And please don't get me wrong. I love my two earthly children more than ever now, but we will always be missing a piece to our puzzle. There will always be a void in our hearts for her. 

I think one of my biggest fears is having people forget about her. And that may be another reason why I started this blog, too...I get to talk about her and share her with everyone. See, since she never took a breath here on earth, no one has any memories with her. At least not like Brett and I do. We got to take her to Disney World, we got to see her on ultrasounds, we got to feel her moving around, hear her heart beating. No one else got those special moments with her. How do we make sure that we keep her memory alive, without depressing everyone all of the time?? That is just something that we will have to figure out as we go. I want to talk about her. I want to celebrate her birthday every year. I want my kids to know about her and talk about her. In a way, for me, I feel like all of this keeps her spirit alive somehow.