A Father’s Take On Stillbirth

Hello Everybody, Lauren really wanted me to write something for her blog from the dad and husband’s point of view. She wanted me to express how it felt to be me during all of this. She wanted me to be as open and vulnerable as I can. I will be honest, I tend to be one to hold emotions and feelings in, but in situations like this it’s just not that easy. What I hope everyone gets from my perspective is that even though we are men, the protectors of our families, something like this still affects us deeply.

I still remember getting the text from Lauren that day about her swelling getting worse. She sent me a picture and told me she thought she needed to call the doctor and I agreed. She called me not long after that and told me the doctor wanted to see her and check her blood pressure, etc. She was on her way home from work and Bryson had fallen asleep in the car and Tenley was getting out of school in 45 minutes. She told me to stay with Bryson and walk up and get Tenley and she would call me when she knew something. I agreed, something now I regret but you never expect to get that call an hour or so later. Something you never expect.

I was waiting impatiently for Lauren to call me. To tell me her blood pressure was a little elevated or something like that. That she would need to go on bed rest. But that’s not the call I got. I answered the phone to my wife sobbing telling me our daughter had passed away and there was no heartbeat. I didn’t know what to do, how to respond. I just remember breaking down and telling her to stop playing. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I tried to walk outside on our deck were Tenley and Bryson couldn’t hear me upset, but they did. After talking to Lauren, I walked back in the house were Tenley had turned the TV volume up all the way. She and Bryson were sitting there, just watching TV. I remember walking into the den telling her I needed to tell her something. I think she knew something was wrong. She said, “what is it daddy”? I remember picking her up and just holding her. Holding her and telling her that her little sister went to be with Jesus. She was crying, I was crying. She asked me, “Why did Jesus do that”? She asked me “is mommy ok”? I told her I didn’t know and that Jesus wanted her with Him and mommy was fine. Bryson, even though he is only 3, realized something was wrong. He just kept asking me, “are you happy daddy”? My dad was close to the house so he was able to get here quickly to pick up the kids so I could get to Lauren.

I had a very important meeting with one of my doctors the next day that I had been preparing for. I was meeting a co-worker there the next morning for the meeting. Well obviously, with all that had transpired, I wasn’t going to be at the meeting. I remember driving to the hospital and calling my co-worker to tell him what happened and that I would need him to reschedule our meeting for another time. I remember my co-worker asking me if he could pray with me right then and there over the phone. Yall have no idea how that prayer helped me at that moment. It was something I needed. Something I needed while driving and trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened. While thinking how I was just thinking the day before how great things were going. How my job was going good, how beautiful and happy my family was, etc. Getting that call from Lauren was a total wake up call for me. It was a wakeup call that we are in no control of anything. Not matter what we do, or how hard we try, God is in total control of everything.

When I arrived to the hospital, I remember seeing Lauren. We hugged and cried. Trying to be the strong husband, I tried to keep myself composed and tell her we were going to make it through this. We had this. I remember sitting on the bed with her that night and telling her we had to take eventhing in steps. We had to get through the delivery. Through giving our baby back to the nurses for them to give to funeral home. Through the funeral. Everything had to be taken in steps. I remember just praying for God to give me the strength to be a strong husband and dad for my wife and kids, all while still trying to mourn and process everything.

Honestly, the delivery is kind of a blur. I think in some ways I blocked it out. I remember our pastor and other church members being there to pray for us. I remember my parents and Lauren’s parents waiting to meet Peyton, just like they did with the other grandchildren. I just remember holding Lauren’s hand telling her everything is going to be ok but honestly wondering to myself would it be. I remember the doctor saying she is almost here and Lauren pushing her out. It was so quiet. The whole situation was terrible. It is something I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Something that should be such a happy time was something so terrible. I remember the doctor letting me hold her. I sat there in the rocker rocking my dead daughter. This is not something the human brain can wrap it’s head around. I just kept looking at her and kissing her. Looking at her perfect little face, hands, and feet. Thinking how even only being 24 weeks she was still obviously daddy’s little girl.

Not long after the delivery, I noticed Lauren wasn’t very with it. I wasn’t sure if it was just the meds post birth or what was going on. It wasn’t until later I really realized the seriousness of what was going on. At one point, there was 5 nurses or so in the room trying to figure out what was going on with her. Her blood pressure had spiked and she was totally out of it. The doctor came in, and started talking in doctor language to the nurses and all I heard was we need to avoid seizure, stroke, etc. At this point I remember going up to Lauren and telling her I needed her to talk to me. I needed to hear her say she was ok, which she didn’t. At this point, it was probably the lowest point of my life. I am still holding Peyton, while all of this is going on with my wife. Talk about feeling helpless. I am the kind of guy that wants to fix problems. If something goes wrong I have all the fixes, just ask Lauren. But in this moment, I was totally at a loss. Here I was holding my daughter who had passed away all while looking at the doctor and nurses try to fix my wife. All sorts of things started to run through my head…what if something happens to her? How will I raise the other kids on my own and work, etc.? I was a total mess. I asked one of the nurses to please take Peyton away so I could focus on Lauren for the time being. Not long after that, they got her somewhat stable. I remember walking out into the hallway after Lauren was stable and calling my parents to check on Bryson and Tenley. They of course are just who I needed to talk to. They talked to me and calmed me down.

The next morning was the morning I was dreading the most, honestly. It was the day Lauren and I would have to say our final goodbyes and give her back to the nurses to be sent to the funeral home for cremation. It was the last time we would hold her little 2 lb. body here on earth. We asked our pastor to come in with us during this time and speak to us as we both held her for the last time. He prayed over us, and said all the things we needed to hear at that moment. How we would one day hold her again in Heaven. How she would know us in heaven as her earthly mommy and daddy. How she would know her big brother and sister. There was no doubt to us that in a time of such sorrow we could be filled with so much joy. It is honesty really hard to describe. There is no other explanation than it was a peace that only comes from a higher power. Giving her away was the hardest part for me, just knowing that was the last time I would hold her until I saw her again one day.

While I will never ever begin to understand how the moms must feel us dad/husbands still deal with our share of grief also. I think a lot of time we cover it up with trying to be strong and the protector. I know I did and still do from time to time but we still have our moments also. It is not something you just get over, even as the dad. For me, it’s looking at my 2 kids and missing her being in the middle of them. It’s me taking Tenley to the daddy/daughter date night all while knowing I should have had another little girl there with me. Days can go by where things feel almost back to normal and then something will throw me off. I try to stay busy and keep my mind going with work, doing yard work, washing the cars, etc. I am still trying to figure out how to cope with our new normal. The good thing is every day seems to get a little easier. I see my wife acting more like her old self and that makes me happy. I know grief and healing will be a long journey but I also know we aren’t going through this alone. I have been completely humbled at the outpouring of prayers and support from friends and family. Just how genuinely nice people have been to us. Lauren and I talk a lot about wanting Peyton’s legacy to live on and her to impact people through us. That her life served a purpose and that is exactly what we plan to continue to do.