Coming home without her
Leaving the hospital without her was awful. Just the day before, we had to give over our baby to a funeral home to have her cremated. I couldn't wait to get her remains back. I wasn't going to feel better until her urn was in my arms. In a way, I felt like I could protect her if I had her urn with me. Weird, I know. Brett and I chose cremation because for us personally, we didn’t think we could handle seeing a little casket at the celebration service. And I just knew that I needed her at home with me...at all times. I needed her body with me. I needed to be able to hold her if I wanted to....or just have her in sight. I can still protect her this way. I know that this all sounds really weird, but you do and think weird things when you are grieving. And I definitely don't think anything bad of anyone who has chosen to bury their babies...this was just how we felt for our baby. I am sure that there are people that can’t take the thought of cremation. Anyways, we were going to be having her Celebration Service on Monday, so we were heading home to finish planning it out. That’s another thing we were dreading and ready to get over with. Another step we had to take to begin the healing process.
Our discharge nurse, like I mentioned in the post before, was a friend. Before she let us leave the room, she made sure every wreath was taken down from every door in our path. She didn’t want me to see all of the happy reminders that we were in a place where precious babies were being born. Where mommies and daddies were getting to cuddle their babies. She knew that would hurt. She even took us to a different elevator system so that I wouldn’t see happy parents leaving the hospital with their healthy babies. How sweet is that?? They really go to extreme measures to make sure that leaving is as easy on you as possible. They are just doing anything they can to soften the blow a little bit.
So we finally get to the car to go home. Thank God. We were so ready to see our earthly children. I just wanted to cuddle up to them and just soak up every little bit of them. But it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Not that I thought it would be easy. I just didn’t know I would be as upset as I was. I didn’t know what to expect. The first time they saw me, they didn’t even run up and hug me. That acted really stand-offish. I remember Tenley looking at my stomach and just kind of running past me. Giving me that weird little side hug. And Bryson came to sit with me and when he leaned back, he turned and grabbed my stomach and looked up at me, so confused. All of that hurt....so bad. Even they
could feel the change and I was so hoping we could all be normal....but you can’t be. Too much had happened and they understood. And as happy as I was to see them, and as thankful as I was for them, Peyton wasn’t there. And I couldn’t get over my sadness. I would just sit there and cry. They were acting out for attention but emotionally, mentally, I wasn’t there.
I went to bed that night and clung tight to a little lamb that was given to us by the hospital. I held that lamb so tight and cried myself to sleep. Would I ever be ok again? Will I ever be able to be a good mom again? Am I ever going to laugh again? I don’t want to be sad anymore. I just kept praying that I would wake up and we would be 6 months out from now and I would be better. I needed to be better. My kids deserved better. And we didn’t know where everything stood with me health wise...we didn’t know exactly what had happened to her...so the thought of never being able to have another baby was crippling. I NEEDED another baby...I needed to feel another baby in my arms. Yes, having another was already on my mind.
I remember crying off an on. And I was in so much pain from my milk coming in. I sat up in bed around midnight and just cried, well, sobbed. I just desperately wanted to hold and nurse my baby. Even my body was confused. It knew it was supposed to be feeding her and it’s doing everything it needs to, but she isn’t there. Talk about another dagger to the heart. Your body knows it birthed a baby...your body’s reaction is to take care of and feed that baby. Another reminder that your baby is gone. My breasts were engorged and I was desperate for some relief. I even started trying to hand express the milk. Brett woke up and comforted me. He so badly wanted to take all the pain away but he couldn’t. He went and got me meds and ice packs and just sat there with me. He couldn’t sleep knowing that I was upset and hurting. I can only imagine what that must feel like also.
Saturday, my birthday came!! Yay! Worst birthday ever. But friends and family worked so hard to make it special. I am forever thankful for them. One friend/nurse in particular, even brought me a birthday cake. She is absolutely amazing.
On Sunday, two days after getting home, I just needed to get out of the house. Brett, myself, and the kids loaded up in the car to just go drive around. I started seeing spots again. I had been coughing again when laying down, and my swelling was getting worse. We decided to take my blood pressure and it was a little elevated. Nothing too crazy, but it was still high. We took the kids over to my mom and dad’s house and checked it again and called the nurse. She suggested that I try and lay down and rest and see if it comes down. Well, every time I tried to lay down, I would start coughing....like really badly. After an hour, we took my blood pressure again and it was 145/114. Holy cow!!! My husband scooped me up and we headed for the hospital. We weren’t waiting on a call back from a nurse at this point. We called her on the way there and of course, we were told to head straight to the OB ER. They are waiting on us when we arrived and got me right into a room. And guess who walks in....Dr. Gruff. (That’s what we will call him.) I’ve never been so happy to see someone in my life. He was the same doctor that treated me the night that I was so sick after Peyton’s delivery). And just like last time he was very to the point! He and the nurses did a few things and had me readmitted. My preeclampsia and pulmonary edema were back...can this nightmare just end already??
I hated being back in the hospital but honestly, Brett and I weren’t emotionally, mentally, physically ready to be home yet. We needed a little more time to process things. And as scary as it was being there again, we are now very thankful for that time. Once again, God works in mysterious ways! They started me on lasix and magnesium again. The lasix was to pull fluid off of my body and the magnesium was to prevent seizures. Just to give you an idea of how much fluid I had in me...I was cathederized and was filling up a full bag (whatever they are called) like every 30 minuets to an hour. That’s a lot!! And as I lost the fluid, you could finally start to see that I did in fact, have ankles and toes!!
I remember being back in the hospital and being so scared that I wouldn’t be able to have another baby. I cried at the thought of my last memories of bringing a child into the world being tainted with sadness. I kept praying that this was all just some weird fluke...but until we got some lab results back...we wouldn’t know the true situation. As bad as I felt, I immediately was ready for another baby. My arms needed to hold a baby and my heart needed one as well. I knew that another baby wouldn’t replace Peyton, but surly it would help feel this void.
Brett and I talked a lot while we were there. We laughed, cried, watched tv and movies and just helped each other start the healing process. It was so important for us to talk. I mean, we had 4 days there...and we were trapped in a tiny room. It felt like we were never going to get out but every time we thought I was leveling out, my body would freak out again. We made promises to each other about what we would watch for through this grieving proces. We talked about being better parents to the babies that we still had here with us. We talked about God and how much we still loved Him and needed Him. How much we felt Him and how thankful we were that Peyton was with Him. It was just a really good few days. But don’t get me wrong, it was really sad still too. I am up in Labor and Delivery again, so I am hearing the heartbeat monitors. I am hearing babies crying. I am hearing families laughing and happy and visiting their new family members. It still really hurt but God had given me so much peace over those past few days that I had only love for them in my heart. I was so thankful that they weren’t going through this. I was happy for them. And I realized something while I was there. Peyton had a purpose on this earth. She was going to forever leave a mark. And it was up to her daddy and I to share her story.
FINALLY...we end up going home. 4 and a half days later. This time was still rough. Her stuff was...and still is....so hard to look at almost 6 months later. I had to put away all of the sweet clothes that I bought for her. So many cute outfits...so much happiness surrounded around buying them. I couldn’t look at them. I had to set them aside, somewhere safe, though. After we got home, I was opening up packages and found out that her fabric for her crib bedding arrived. Talk about your heart shattering into a million pieces all over again. I couldn’t wait to sew together all of her new bedding. I knew I wanted to do something with all of that beautiful fabric though. Something to remember her by. So I made a blanket and some things for Tenley’s room. I figured that big sister could use it as well. She ended up loving everything and I think we all feel that they symbolize Peyton. Bright, beautiful colors.
Our next big hurdle was going to be getting through Peyton’s celebration service. We had to push it back went I went back into the hospital. But it was finally time to celebrate our precious baby girl.
STAY TUNED....the next posts will be about her service and Brett’s perspectives on losing a child. Then we will start going through more of the day to day stuff and firsts without her.