Finding out she was already in Heaven

My husband, Brett, and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 beautiful children. Tenley is 7, Bryson is 3, and we have our daughter Peyton, who is in heaven. We were the “perfect” family, or so we were always told. Everyone always said...”nothing bad ever happens to y’all.” My husband and I always laughed because we knew that all of that could change in an instant. We knew our God was in control and we weren’t promised a perfect life or the next minute. We had our perfect girl and our perfect boy. As far as we were concerned, another child was not really on anyone’s radar...at least not anytime soon.   Well, just like he likes to do, God decided to shake up our “plans” a little. You know he likes to do that. Lol! He definitely had other plans for the Shaw family. In September of 2017, we were shocked to find out that we were pregnant. We were going to be adding another child into our crazy life, and as shocked and nervous as we were, we were so excited. Another baby!! There is nothing sweeter and more special than bringing a little life into the world. We were going to get to hold another precious baby in our arms again. And this baby was for sure going to be our caboose. Everything was perfect at first. All of our appointments were going great. Her scans were looking great. We just thought she was going to be another perfect little princess. I was overjoyed with having another little girl, the kids were thrilled and my husband was so excited. We started making plans for her, plans for her future,  plans for our family of 5. But deep down inside, I felt like something was “off”. I am one of those that absolutely loves being pregnant. I love every minute of growing these tiny little humans inside of my body. I love watching my body grow and transform. Feeling those little kicks and jabs, knowing that in a few months, that little life growing inside of you will be in your arms. What an amazing feeling!! But something didn’t feel right. I was tired...a LOT. I thought it was normal since it was my third pregnancy...I was chasing after two others...surely I should have been that tired. But not only was I extremely tired, I was incredibly uncomfortable. Things didn’t feel like I remembered them feeling with the past two pregnancies. I was also more swollen. Bigger in the belly. And the biggest thing of all...she never really moved much. I remember feeling little kicks and jabs and seeing her move on scans but I kept telling Brett that something didn’t seem right with that. I knew I should be feeling bigger movements. Deep down I was really worried about her. We had her anatomy scan at 20 weeks and we saw a little fluid build up in her pelvic area. Our OB wasn’t overly concerned but she said we would need to do another scan at our next appointment to check on the fluid. That scared me but she didn’t seem too worried, so I prayed and prayed that it would clear up. After that 20 week appointment, things started going downhill...and fast. I started to swell everywhere. I was looking more like 40 weeks pregnant and not 20ish weeks. And I was growing more and more uncomfortable. I was also feeling contractions, which I thought were Braxton Hicks. I brushed them off. On January 9th of 2018....I called the doctor and told them that I needed to be seen. I was so severely swollen. I drove to the hospital for a check up thinking that I had developed preeclampsia and needed to be observed. I told my husband to stay at home because I thought everything was fine. Our son was asleep and our daughter would be getting out of school soon. We needed someone there when she got home and as much as he wanted to go with me...I made him stay home. I got to the hospital and we discovered that I did in fact have preeclampsia. My blood pressure at that point was 140/90. My blood pressure was always picture perfect, even during pregnancy, so this was scary. We also found out that I had gained a lot of weight in such a short amount of time. Something was wrong. They sent me back for an ultrasound and I just kept thinking “please God, let her be ok. Please let my baby be ok.” I texted a friend, that just happens to be a L/D nurse there where I was and she immediately asked me if I had been feeling Peyton move. But that’s the thing, I never really felt her. I had a Fetal Doppler at home and I would regularly check her heartbeat. I had checked it that Saturday and it was good and strong. But I hadn’t checked it since. I immediately panicked. During that ultrasound, I felt so scared. I immediately looked for the flickering heartbeat...I couldn’t hear it on the machine so my immediate though was, look for the flicker. There wasn’t one. She wasn’t moving. She was lifeless. My baby was gone. My precious baby girl had gone to be with Jesus. The life that was growing inside of me had been taken away....just like that....in an instant. My heart was broken into a million pieces and all I could do was cry. I was broken completely. The ultrasound tech tried to leave to get my doctor but I told her that I knew and I sobbed. She scooped me up like a baby and held me in her arms as she cried with me. We sat there and sobbed together. She held me like she had known me all my life, like she was family, like she was broken with me. She prayed for me, she was sent from God. I felt God in there with us. He was there, in that room with us. And God put her there for me because Brett was meant to be at home with our kids. That ultrasound tech was there by the grace of God. I was taken into a room to talk to my doctor. I was shaking, I was sick, I was scared to death, and I was so so so hurt. Why was God doing this to me??? Why did he take my baby away from me?? I called Brett and then my mom. I hope you never have to make a phone call like that. The utter brokenness and pain that I heard in their voices is something that will always stick with me. Those were the worst two phone calls of my life. And Brett having to tell the kids is something that he will never forget. Our first daughter is 7 and she was so looking forward to having her baby sister here. She asked why Jesus did this, why did he take her sister away. Can you imagine having that conversation with your child?? 

My doctor came into the room and was stunned, and she was worried about my health in that moment. I remember her saying, “before we can deliver your baby, we have to find out what’s going on with you, and get you taken care of.” I was wheeled down to labor and delivery by a woman that again, was sent from God. She held me, she prayed for me. She gave me so much love and comfort in those few minutes of being with me.  Once we got down to the labor and delivery area, I saw a familiar face. My nurse from when I had Bryson was there to take me. God again, had put someone there to comfort me. Having Kristin there was such an amazing feeling. She knew me, she knew my family, and she was going to start this grueling process of delivering my stillborn baby girl. But there I was....in this hospital room, hooked up to monitors...but I didn’t get to have a happy outcome. I didn’t get to hear that beautiful sound of Peyton’s heart beating on the monitors. I didn’t get to smile and be happy. Instead, I had to watch as (what I kept thinking were Braxton Hicks) contractions came and went on the monitor. I had to dread giving birth to a dead baby....to put it bluntly.  I heard heartbeats on monitors in the other rooms...babies crying in other rooms...and it made me want to scream. It hurt so much. And they tried to put me in a secluded area of the hospital, they tried to make it as easy on me as possible, but they couldn’t make those things not happen. I just kept telling myself, “you’ve had those happy moments twice. You’ve experienced becoming a mommy and giving birth to two healthy babies.” I just had to keep telling myself that over and over and over.  My mom and Brett got there and soon we had my sister and Pastor there too. We had so many precious friends texting and getting in touch with us, letting us know that they were praying for us. Those prayers were the only things getting us through. It was such an uneasy, dark feeling, yet so calm and peaceful. We were all waiting on me to give birth to a dead child. I can’t put it any other way.. I was about to go through childbirth for a baby that I would never get to hear cry, that I would never get to nurse, rock to sleep, bandage boo boos for. I will never see her take her first steps, speak her first words, graduate from High school, or see get married. I was devastated. The labor process had started and they offered me some pain meds to help me rest for the night. I have a high pain tolerance and I wasn’t in any pain but I wanted the meds. I was hoping they would make me numb, fall asleep, forget for a little while what was happening. I wanted a break from the emotions for a minute. I needed a break. I know that’s not the way to deal with anything but I clearly wasn’t in any state to think anything through. I remember my husband, sweet sweet Brett, coming over and sitting on the bed with me and telling me “let’s just take this one hurdle at a time. Let focus on delivering her, then we can figure out what’s next.” That was a great plan. It’s overwhelming all that goes into a stillbirth, especially when you aren’t planning on it. You have to plan out what you want to do when the baby is born. Do you hold her? Do you love on and kiss on her? Do you send her out of the room immediately and act like nothing happened? And what do you do about burying/cremating her? Who does that and how do we go about it? What about a funeral service? So MANY questions and things going through your head. But I knew without question that I wanted to hold and kiss and love on my baby. I wanted pictures of her. I wanted to soak in every minute that we had with her because we knew that we wouldn’t see her again until we get to heaven. And that is a long time to wait to see your baby. The wait to give birth was agonizing. I’ve never wanted to get something over with so fast. I was dreading every moment of it. But I felt God in every moment. He was there and he wasn’t leaving. UP NEXT: The delivery